After trying to set my system up for over a week....
... and spending conservatively 10+ hours total one the phone with 10+ service reps, I think I'm going to take all of my SimpliCrap system to my local shooting range with my trusty 12 gauge and a box of OO buckshot.
I'll try to have a buddy record the ballistic effects in slow motion. If I'm successful, I'll post the videos here.
P.S.: Don't make the mistake I did - order extra components to be delivered to my UPS Store mailbox before trying to set up the system. Apparently, the first address you type into any interaction with SimpliStupid becomes your default address. They can't get my UPS Store out of the system, and even though they've told me it's gone, it's not. Every time I attempt to login, there it is! The system assumes that my UPS Store is my physical location, so it tries to find a cell signal and wifi at that address, not where I actually am.