Forbes Article: Interview with Chad Laurans

Funny.

I drew up some plans on a napkin for my new Simplisafe Roomba design.  I call it Roomba with a laser on it's head!  When an alarm sounds SS sends a signal to the Roomba that tells it to undock and yell "Here kitty kitty!".  The cat, who loves the Roomba, immediately runs past the bad guy and jumps onto the Roomba as it fires up it's engine and chases down the bad guy at 1 mph!  The cat, ready for battle, hits the new paw shaped button which fires off the laser at the bad guys feet which renders him annoyed as he just got owned by a cat.  The laser will also melt the bad guys shoes and cause him to stick to the floor, unable to move, unable to run, and unable to steal!  The Roomba has also been equipped with a forward facing 4k camera to capture all the mayhem and produce Youtube Gold!  The Roomba and the cat will continue to lightly bump into the frustrated bad guy over and over until the cops show up to arrest the perpetrator.  Once the premises has been secured the Roomba will head back for a recharge, and well, so will the cat with a very deserved nap.

Dear Mr Cerda,

I was a little disappointed you didn't introduce yourself.  I'm not sure that Melina chick knew you well enough to introduce you on your own behalf.  Or maybe she did, that's not the point. And that other guy, Chad, didn't even say so long, thanks for the memories, or the millions we all gave him.

That's ok.  I'll get over it.  I'm just here to break the ice.  Congratulations.  Welcome to the SS team.  Not that I work there or anything, so I don't know how you're managing.  I hope you like it there, because we all sort of have to depend on you liking it there.

Now that that's out of the way,... that sloshed spheniscidae doesn't know what he's talking about.

It should be called...the FurRoomba(TM). (I'd be willing to work with you on naming rights).

But not like the Roomba(TM), or those other brands we won't speak of. It would have to be unique, unheard of, with special features, like...

1.  The power of a dyson.  In a compact size.  It's for pet hair and stuff, crumbs, dust, and stray m&m's.  But don't exaggerate claims for kitty litter.  That just isn't going to fly with the customers.  Well, maybe for a teeny weeny little kitten, with a candy-wrapper sized litterbox, but um...NO.
2.  Intelligence, Recognition and Voice capability, so it could tell me things.  Like it found that $100 dollar bill I lost last year.  But don't make it too intelligent, it can't be too smart for it's own good. Because that would be, uh, really creepy.
3.  Internal camera and two-way microphone.  So I could phone home and catch my cats in the act, like when they puke on the floor.  Or tell them to get off the table.  
4.  Crisp, clear, high-resolution display.  So my cats could see it was me and not the poltergeists crawling from the ceiling.
4.5.  The internal camera could also serve as an outdoor sentry, like my dog does when he has to go out to p-- (just kidding, I don't have a dog.  Not kidding about the sentry).  This could be way cooler than that perpetually-working-on-it-outdoor-camera.
4.9.0.   I guess, if it's absolutely necessary, in order to appease cats, you could incorporate that sloshed spheniscidae's idea for a kitty-riding option.
5.  On-board treat tosser/dispenser.  Or catnip dispenser.  Or pooper scooper. That last one would take some expert engineering.
6.  For an additional 4.99 a month, users could program it to run to the door when the doorbell rings and choose from the following sound options:
  a.  rottweiller
  b.  mastiff
  c.  Cujo
7.  For an additional 4.99 a month, or at no additional cost when combined with option # 6, a realistic hologram to greet said doorbell-ringer-person at the front window.  Like maybe an angry clown.  Or Samara Morgan.  Yeah, Samara, she's one scary (-censored-)!
8.  The ability to climb up and down stairs.  Don't make it look like a mechanical spider, though.  Ever.  Don't ever, ever do that.  
9.  The ability to dust furniture.
10.  Option to define rooms.
11.  Option to set it to secret alert. (this should be obvious)
12.  Option to respond to user-defined commands.  Like, "shut up and go to sleep". Or, "what are you doing?  STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"  But, for the love of god, don't integrate that with Alexa.
13.  It should come with a few necessary attachments.  Available right out of the box, so users don't have to find the different colors at Best Buy.
14.  A 15-year warranty.  Because frankly, nothing on the planet works anymore.  You could be ahead of the competition and make your stuff....REALLY work.  

Finally, it should be less than 99.99 because - see #14.  

And have OTA update capability with posted release notes.  

And be available to all SS2 and SS3 users.  

And be able to run on 1MB or less, or else your other customers can't get simplicams and video doorbells and extra stuff on their already over-priced internet with slow speeds.  Are you still supporting SS1?  Maybe you should just put everyone on SS3, at no cost, so that when SS4 comes out, everyone will be on the same and you won't have to refurbish anything anymore and keep taking back pieces and parts that went kaput like 3 times already.  And so we forum peasants don't have to keep asking "do you have SS2 or SS3?"  Kind of like a revolver (no, not that kind, we know how you really feel about that), like a credit card revolver, with perks, and no expiration date.  A revolving door.  You DO have an open-door policy, right?

Oh, and only one model number.  Not 1,536XK#XLT.v.09, like all the other robotic devices have, that's why people don't buy them, they're confused, they don't know which one is best, they just know the latest isn't it - that's the reason for the OTA update capability (duh).  If it could cook and do laundry, and mow the lawn, I guess you could charge a little more, like maybe 109.99.    

You should know, I'm not expecting a miracle.  I'm pretty sure it would take at least .8 SS dog-years to develop a FurRoomba(TM) (there's a decimal in there, did you see it?).  I could maybe be patient for a little while, I know you guys can only focus on one thing at a time.  When you think about it, though, you could save a boatload of money with a FurRoomba(TM) - instead of say, $5 gazillion$ on a 30-second advertisement gig, time is money, man!  Think, man, think!  A FurRoomba(TM) ...AND you could hire 5 web programmers, 3 security experts, and at least 2 web designers who know what a search engine is!  AND you could make new keyfobs with removable batteries!  AND you could do your own Undercover Boss and finally discover what's going on in the call center!  I mean, if anyone could beat season 7's der Wienerschnitzel, it could be you!  AND, best of all, you could make A LOT of cats happy!  Did you know you have a lot of customers who have A LOT of cats?  That's A LOT of FurRoombas(TM)!  I'm not kidding, there's even this one guy, he has 7 cats.  SIAMESE, even!  

While you're seriously thinking about this, could you at least go talk to the warehouse department and get some packages shipped right away and tidy up a bit while you're there?  I'll bet a lot of customers might be wanting those for Christmas gifts for family and friends this year, and the year after that, and maybe even the year after that, but that might be stretching it a bit.  Or that Captain guy who knows all 500 of his neighbors!  Or that real estate developer, remember that one?  That was a lot of real estate!  Or that Scottish guy in the UK who needs 15 more cameras!  Or that constantly sloshed spheniscidae who always needs more, well he's always sloshed so who knows!  Think of it like KMart lay-a-way, everything is all neat on a shelf, ready to go.  You know, there's a reason Foreigner sang that song "I wanna know what love is", it relates to customer service.  Like getting that shipment out faster than you can say "wh--".  Like answering the phone on the 2nd ring.  Your customers wanna feel the love, man!

I'll just leave you with this as you adjust to your new job, undergo training in showing the love, and as you embark on developing the much-anticipated FurRoomba(TM) - always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, then always be Batman.  You and I both know that Batman would be right on top of this stuff.  

Sincerely,

colt

It is official, this pandemic is causing us all to lose our minds!  See everybody in Zombie Land 3!

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell... ( Rob Thomas )

"Insanity is not being able to afford your eccentricities" (me after being accused of insanity for one of my eccentricities.  Which was nowhere near as expensive as the guy thought it was)

^  "I can do anything I want, I'm eccentric!" (and isn't that the point? :)

"I can do anything I want, as long as I can pay all the costs - in this world and the next"